After a truly marvelous weekend of family, friends and a little Andy Stanley, I sit here tonight a little bit sad.  After church tonight I went out to dinner with a bunch of friends.  It is always like a final goodbye to the weekend and a great way to wind down, catch up and share a moment or two of genuine time with the amazing people I have in my life.  Tonight was no exception.  Dinner was fun and I left feeling refreshed and energized… ready for the week ahead.  And then, within a matter of a few minutes that all changed.

It continues to amaze me how the lack of communication can rip us apart.  It makes me upset to know that people will lash out with their words without considering the lasting effects that they have.  I’m hurt that things can be taken out of context and spread like wildfire through a group that supposedly cares deeply for one another.  Bottom line, I’m sad that people won’t take the time and just confront each other instead of bringing others into the underlying issue.

I go to bed tonight praying that these two or three individuals can find their way back to each other.  That they all take a deep breath before lashing out, and that they take a look at a big picture.  My hope is that we all learn how to love each other a little better and treat each other with a little more respect.  And ultimately, learn how to focus on ourselves and our own demons before casting judgment on others.

To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices. -Mark 12:32-34

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About 15 minutes from my house it happens. I was the Lucky chosen one that was hand picked (I’m sure) to run over a HUGE screw that a previous driver nicely dropped from his truck/piece of crap car. I remained calm and pulled into a bank parking lot. I knew immediately what had happened thanks to my car telling me when my tires need more air with the help of a bright flashing light on my dash. Whats a little flat tire to start off a Monday morning?

Being the strong, independent women that I am I calmly (angerly) pull out my spare tire, jack, wrench etc. I actually turn down the assistance of several bank employees as they walk into their workplace. (I was that confident). Moments later, I was rethinking their offered help. I had everything under control up to the point where I couldn’t get the lug nuts off the wheel. I choose to blame it on the Michigan salt that gunked up my wheels and not my lack of strength. No worries. I call my dad.

Dad shows up about 25 minutes later half laughing half annoyed that I got him out of the house on his day off. He confidently goes to take the wheel off. No luck. And unlike me, he didn’t take it well. He muttered something about finding the guy at the Mazda dealership that thought it was necessary to put the lug nuts on that tightly…. Please Mr. Mazda man don’t come to Georgia. My dad has a death wish for you… something about death by metal wrench.

After my dad pulled his flat tire tools out of his car and was still not able to get my tire off he suggested that I take it to a place with an air wrench. (Really? I have a flat tire.) So, like a good daughter, I listened to dear ol’ dad and drove (slowly/embarrassingly) to a tire place. They were easily able to get the lovely tire off my car and I was on my way… a mere 45 minutes after I should have been at work. Cleveland was still 20 miles away, and now I was limited on my speed due to the cute little spare tire I now had to contend with/show off.

The patients waiting by the door (in the 30 degree temperatures) were surprisingly understanding. I was (unsurprisingly) frustrated. YAY for Monday mornings!

In other news: I talked to my new company yesterday. They have the next two weeks of my life filled with plane tickets, hotel reservations, car rental agreements and expense report allowances. Basically, I get to go to three different cities with all expenses paid. (One being St. Louis, which I find ironic sense my previous company was supposed to send me there. I digress.)

Also, I am trying to find a great deal on a laptop to take with me for the journey… Cause ya know I can’t be unplugged for that long. Anyone have any suggestions?

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First of all, the huge snowstorm that hit Georgia forgot to roll through Gainesville and Cleveland. Its an understatement to say that I’m disappointed that I had to actually go to work this morning. (As ridiculous as it is, us Georgia folks stay at home at the sight of snow… and I’m OK with that.) I did however get to drive through a very Detroit-like blizzard yesterday as I made my way home after church. No comment about the 15 mph that we did on GA-400.

Secondly, on this particular Monday I seem a little extra rundown. For the last month I have basically lived out of a suitcase as I traveled, played and played some more. After a late (and slightly drama filled) Friday night a light bulb went off Saturday afternoon…. I have to take a breather. “Too much of any one great thing can easily turn into a bad thing.” I therefore pulled the Lame Card and told my friends that I would not be attending our Saturday evening festivities. I used the excuse of lack of sleep, lack of time with my parents and a bank account that has taken a hit with the drastic increase in my social schedule. It worked and I was off the hook. I managed to actually get a couple loads of laundry done and share a meal with my parents.

Lastly, I am still a little sad today. I have mentioned that a recent friend (of the male species) decided he wasn’t quite ready to jump headfirst into anything. Under normal circumstances this is really not a big deal, and definitely not “blog-worthy”. But since our circles of friends are one in the same I continually see him. We are polite and very friendly. There is no reason not to continue to enjoy his friendship…. Except that I have come to the realization that I am still holding onto some hope that he would wake up one morning and change his mind. And call me crazy, but its no wonder that I am holding out hope as we have continued to see each other outside the group setting, have daily phone calls and show up to events together. Its always very platonic, but there remains an undercurrent that is undeniable that we are both wanting more. Its a horrible grey area in which I find myself constantly questioning the length of our goodbye hug and analyze how close we sit next to each other. I have always been fairly confident when it comes to the matters of dating etiquette. This new wave of doubt when it comes to what is appropriate is not fun. In the mean time our friends are confused and have been asking lots of questions that I don’t have answers too (as they should be). Its a perfect situation that my mind is telling me to throw in the towel and my heart just wont listen. We talk (too much) about his ex. He is clearly still not over her. Part of me wants to be angry at him for selfishly wanting my company without any emotional commitment. In the grand scheme of things I’m sad about the whole situation and choosing to throw it into the big pile of Monday Blahs.

And while I’m venting…

I am running around like a crazy women trying to manage interviews around my current work schedule and/or trying to make excuses for why I need to take time off. Its slightly exhausting. I am on round three of interviews with two different companies. Do the math-that makes 6 interviews in the last few weeks. That’s way too many doctors, dentist and family emergencies to account for. Heaven forbid I actually have a legitimate doctors appointment. And seriously, a girl has to go to Mardi Gras. Work feels like such an inconvenience right now.

Thankfully, tomorrow is Tuesday and I have six more days until the next Monday.

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I haven’t seen or talked to “him” since February of last year. But out of the blue tonight, as I was thoroughly enjoying my time with some friends, my BlackBerry rings with an email from him. It was something about his credit report claiming that he had an address in Michigan. He wanted an explanation… He wanted to assume the worst.

The email immediately brought me out of my full blown Wii Rock Band haze in a matter of milliseconds. I went from laughing out loud to complete disbelief. Why does he feel the need to question it? Does he honestly believe I would do anything illegal or immoral with his credit? Is that honestly how he sees me? I’m not sure whether to be sad or angry. All I know is that something in my stomach turned over when I saw his name on my phone.

I am going to bed tonight without responding to it. I choose instead to blog to the entire world about what an immature man I was once married to.

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Allow me to share my opinion on the current GM crisis.

First and foremost: Something is obviously not working. GM would not be in their current situation if everything was running efficiently within the company. From what I have seen, the entire industry is terrified of change. And ultimately the lack of change has landed GM in this predicament. Just because it has always been done a certain way does not make it right!

I have obviously not grown up in Detroit. I don’t have dads and granddads in the automotive field. Therefore, I have not been brainwashed to think of the UAW as a necessity. Instead, I grew up in a part of the country where men and women go to work everyday for companies that don’t have contracts and hidden agendas. They go to work and make an honest living without the sense of entitlement that comes from working for a union. People go to work and earn a paycheck that is worthy of the job they preform. At one point (a hundred years ago) I’m sure the unions played a vital part in protecting the employees from unfair and unsafe working conditions. I have still yet to discover what their purpose is in today’s workforce. From what I’ve seen, all they do is require GM management to bend over backwards to supply their employees with fitness centers, tuition reimbursements, computer centers and lots of overtime pay. What if GM hired people, regular (nonunion) people, to do the required jobs? Imagine the cost savings…

It seems that every news channel is speculating about what the government is going to do for the automotive industry. Are they going to bail them out or not? Um, excuse me… But what makes GM, Ford and Chrysler any different than the rest of the struggling companies in the United States. The airline industry, home builders, and electronic stores alike are all in the same sinking boat. Everyone is struggling in this economy. As a tax payer, I have a hard time bailing out companies that have done so little to help themselves.

Also, it is amazing to me how much the automotive industry has frowned upon ANY government involvement up until this point. Every time the government tried to pass regulations concerning alternative fuels or better emission standards it was frowned upon by Detroit. It is funny that it is now okay to look to the government for help.

So what is the solution?

I don’t pretend to know every aspect of what is going on with GM. I do, however, understand that there is not a simple solution. Sadly, whatever is going to happen will surely effect the rest of the country. Over 3 million jobs are dependent on the auto industry. GM did not get into this mess overnight, and it seems very selfish for them to want an overnight fix. Regardless of what happens I am sad to say that the tax payers will be ultimately footing Rick Wagner’s bill. Because, if GM goes under those 3 million people will be lined up at the unemployment office looking for a handout.

I wonder what it is like to feel so entitled?

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I tend to have a habit (good or bad… I don’t know) of taking a personal inventory every so often. I find myself taking a good look at what I am doing and where I am going. I think it can be a great way to motivate yourself to make a change (if need be), but unfortunately it also shines a bright light on the not so pretty parts.

I’m in a chapter of my life where my independence is now a very strong aspect of my personality. I now have a tendency to cringe at the thought of being forced into plans or obligations. I also turn the other direction the minute a guy requests a second or third date. I don’t want to be tied down… in any way, shape, or fashion.

I have been horribly burnt before.

I enjoy the freedom.

I don’t want the responsibility of making someone else happy.

But being the fun fearless female that I am, I also want to Have My Cake and Eat it Too. I enjoy the independence up to the point where I get a little lonely and wish that someone would call. I enjoy the independence up to the point when Thanksgiving rolls around and I don’t have a family to eat with because my independence has taken me 800 miles north. It is a very strange fence that I ride.

So yes, I am a little bummed today. I want it all. I want the career, the family, and the ability to maintain the independence. I want to remain true to myself and not have to sacrifice one for the other. Ultimately, I want to be happy and content. I am struggling because I question whether or not I am in a place, or at least moving in a direction where any of those wants are attainable.

And it is sleeting outside.

I told you it would be bad.

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I excused myself from work for a few hours to make some phone calls and do some “damage control”. I undid the upcoming lease signing, canceled the transferred utilities and went crawling back to my apartments leasing office to ask for my early termination letter to be torn up. That was the easy stuff… calling home to let my family know that the good news had turned bad was the hard part. Once again, they amazed me. What an amazing support system I have. My tough dad knew exactly what to say. My mom listened to me cry. I love them so much.

To be perfectly honest, its not the actual job that I am mad about losing. Its the new opportunities that were dangled in front of me that I am so sad about giving up. This promotion was going to allow me to let go of the second job (that I have had for almost a year and a half). It was going to allow me to move into a part of town that guaranteed new friends and social networks. This was the chance to once again have normal working hours. This was my open door, my opportunity… and it was just slammed shut.

I would normally take this opportunity to say great things about looking at the bright side, and remarking about having a glass half full vs. half empty. But, instead, for now, I am choosing to be angry and frustrated.

Excuse me while I unpack my apartment.

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I can’t say too much, but there is a real possibility that some big changes will be happening. The changes are exciting, and I am so thankful that some opportunities have knocked on my door. But as I wait (impatiently) for the confirmation, I find myself frustrated at the inability to plan the event. I am in a battle with the calender. I have apartment leases, plane tickets, family visits, and part-time job commitments filling my head. I actually woke up last night in a dead panic worrying about all of the loose ends that need to be tied up before any “big changes” can take place.

I keep telling myself that things will work out the way they are meant too. But the planner in me is not giving up quite so easily!

**Deep Breath**

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The last week though has been a little more gloom and doom than normal. An announcement was made this morning that GM would be making HUGE changes in the next few months. Nothing specific was stated. But rumors are flying… and people are getting nervous. It makes for an interesting work environment. My manager and I have been told to “prepare ourselves”. Prepare for what? Thats to be determined.

I could very easily creep into panic mood. The hundreds of “what-ifs” could overwhelm me. BUT, I’m taking the high road. This is one of those situations that I have absolutely zero control over. The decision to revoke our contract probably wouldn’t be a local decision. So making brownies for the plant manager probably wouldn’t do any good… Darn. It would instead be a decision made from a fancy office in downtown Detroit high in the headquarters building. That guy has no idea how wonderful I am. All he sees is how much I cost.

Keep the GM folks in your prayers as well as the girl from Georgia trying to follow some dreams…

*This one is for you Dennis. A post about my job. =)

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I spent Sunday evening mixing and baking the cupcakes. After a little cooling, I iced each one with some food color enriched icing. They were green, and festive, and tasted yummy! I placed them all carefully in a container so that they didn’t get icing on each other, and so they could easily be transported to work. Another successful Betty Crocker moment complete…

I got to work today, and managed to grab my purse, my lunch, and my cupcakes from my car. As I am walking across the parking lot an invisible leprechaun (or something) ran in front of me causing me to trip. (Go ahead-start laughing.) I didn’t fall, but my beautiful cupcakes went flying. They stayed in their RubberMaid container, but needless to say the green icing was no longer on top of the cupcakes. Ugh! I shamelessly picked up the CLEAR container and continued walking and hung my head as I passed several people who couldn’t help but look at the smeared green mess.

Long story, short… They still tasted great, they just didn’t have the presentation that I had originally planned. I had some good laughs today as my different patients came in to enjoy the ugly cupcakes. I’m glad I could bring some humor to everyones lives!
When life gives you lemons… uh… serve ugly cupcakes?!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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