The weeks and months leading up to this moment have been nothing short of emotional and inspiring.  I have had sleepless nights worrying about financial support, sore muscles from the immunizations that were required, evenings given up to team meetings and a budget stretched to the max to accommodate supplies needed to travel to a third world country.  Its been an adventure in itself getting ready for this trip.  But, honestly, when so much could have gone wrong, nothing has.  In fact, this whole process of preparing to leave has been nothing short of one gigantic blessing after another.  One gigantic wake up call that God has had this whole trip planned way before I knew anything about it.

It’s funny how even when I am diving head first into a mission trip, I have tried to take control of the circumstances.  You would think that I would trust God to get me to where He wants me.  But instead, I worry and stress over the details.

I’ve been told to leave all expectations at the door.  To not assume that I am going to teach, reach or give hope to anyone.  Not to expect God to act or do a certain thing.  But instead, to get off that plane in Port-au-Prince with a willingness to serve and an open mind.  Allowing God to work through me in whatever way He sees fit.  And, most importantly, to show me what I need to learn.  I pack my bags to Haiti fully aware that God has a reason that I am going down there.  I am nervously awaiting to see just how much He is about to rock my world.

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It’s our Friday night, our moment.

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On a recent trip to south Georgia to see some friends, I arrived a few hours later than originally planed.  Thanks to Atlanta traffic and some last-minute birthday shopping I got to my destination a little behind schedule.  At dinner that night, I was presented with the following question: “So, since you were late arriving to our “appointment”, does that mean your next stop is also delayed?  The question was obviously meant as a joke, but unfortunately, the reality of it is true.  Although, they were tentative, I did have some plans for later that evening.  (That were later canceled!)  My life had officially become one appointment after another.

I arrived in Atlanta about 18 months ago.  From that moment on, I have been running and chasing.  Chasing the dream of being connected and loved in a city that connected me and that I loved.  Looking back on that time I realize how important and God-inspired it all was.  I needed to feel validated and important.  By joining those groups, by keeping up with the HUGE social circle, and by being involved with so much….. I was needed and wanted.  It had been awhile since I had felt that way.  It was a welcomed change and one that made my heart happy.

But, as I sit here on a Saturday morning, with no plans other than to have no plans I realize how insane it was.  I realize that something that I needed then may not be what I need now.  I realize that I wouldn’t appreciate the lack of plans today without having had countless Saturdays being double and triple booked.  I realize that I successfully chased down a dream, and I crossed the finish line with my head held high.

In the last few weeks I have been saying “no”, I have withdrawn from a group or two, I have blocked out large chunks of time on my calendar to purposely stay in.  It feels like a breath of fresh air.  It feels amazing to wake up after eight hours of sleep and be able to come home from work without anything to do that night.  It’s still an evolving plan, but I am chasing down the idea of having a margin.  To not be so stretched thin.

Its time to pack up the running shoes.  Its time to seek God’s next plan….. chase after a new dream.  All with the realization that it’s a work in progress.   Being okay with the idea that one chapter leads to another.  Being okay with the NEW, new and shiny.

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In a world where your relationships and friendships are defined via Facebook, and a disagreement is solved by a simple click of an Unfollow Button, you have to be very careful what you put out on the world-wide web.  You never know who is reading, who is checking out your latest photo upload or who may be offended with your latest status update.  Its a tricky world we now live in…. We are so open to sharing every part of our lives.  But, honestly, what is the cost?

I struggle tonight as I want to share with the whole world about a wonderful new person my life.  I want everyone to share in my joy, in the excitement, in the butterflies.  But, for the reasons listed above, I censor myself.  I don’t write in fear of the consequences, in fear of the hurt feelings, in fear of the lack of respect that it would portray.  Because, truth be told, I have tried to handle this new relationship trying to keep respect at the center.  Trying to be honest and upfront.  Trying to seek wise counsel, trying to choose words carefully, trying to avoid awkward situations, all the while keeping my own desires at bay.  Why would I change now?  I still want hearts to heal, I want whats best for everyone, whats best for me.  Its a tough balance to say the least.

In the mean time, I am here to tell you that I am blessed beyond measure.  I have visions of the future that make me smile, and a confidence in my heart like I’ve never had.  I have never been so thankful for a past that gives me clear direction for the future.  Never been in such awe of what is capable.

Heres to walking the fine line, to seeking God’s plan, to enjoying the moment…. and to the beginning.

Beginning of the sharing.

Beginning of us.

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Saturday morning started at 3am.  I was showered, dressed and on the road an hour later.  I spent the next five hours in the backseat of a car.  The passengers of the car included my dad, step mom and grandmother.  I watched the sun rise around 7am as we cruised down the highway.  We all had on uncomfortable dress clothes.  There wasn’t much talking.  Not because it was the middle of the night, but because we were all anxious and nervous and had no idea what to talk about.

As we pulled into Valdosta State University a little after 9am, all of us felt like our stomachs were in our throats.  After five hours worth of wrinkles and nerves we were all a complete mess.

My family and I walked into a crowded gymnasium and found some seats up close to the stage.  My mom and step dad had made the same five-hour drive and sat behind us.  My anxiety was through the roof as my parents found themselves sharing the same air for the first time in over a decade.  The tension only got worse as my sister and her graduating class marched their way in front of us to their seats.  The same decade that found my parents not speaking, found my sister completely out of our lives.  That was a huge day.  And, by huge I mean monumental.

My family is by no means perfect.  We have weathered a divorce and a custody battle that has resulted in years of emotional turmoil.  All in all, I am a strong believer that we are all better for that time.  My parents are now both happily remarried, and I have turned out to be surprisingly “normal” when all odds were against me.  Life is good.  That is, as long as my parents don’t talk and my sister stays far, far away.

I never thought I would see the day when all of that would change.  I would never have dreamed that my sister graduating from college would bring all of us together.  But, it did.  Saturday morning, all of the stars aligned and my family and I not only sat together to watch my sister receive her diploma, we also ate lunch together (as in…. at the same table… sharing the same basket of chips!).  What started out as nervous small talk eventually turned into laughter and reminiscing.  My parents spoke to each other, and actually carried on a conversation.  My step parents interacted.  My sister and her friends spoke to my dad as if he was one of them.  I sat in stunned silence, quietly sipping on my sweet tea.  Not sure whether to get really excited, or to brace for the moment when someone said something that offended someone else.  Lets just say that my lunch wasn’t hardly touched.

After lunch we piled back into the car and headed back home.  That made for ten hours of driving that day.  Ten hours for two hours.  Ten hours for the potential to mend some relationships.  Time will tell what, if any, doors were open this weekend.  In the mean time, I will choose to remain cautiously optimistic that this is the beginning of the end.  That was a big day….  Hopefully the first of many.

A picture is worth 1,000 words

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I have shared with a few of you about the anxiety I was having in regards to my Brazil trip.  As a first time mission traveler, I spent a good deal of time trying to figure out if my frustrations were centered around my false expectations or if there was, in fact, an underlying issue with the trip.  As the time progressed, my anxiety became frustration as I felt the team wasn’t connecting.  Others felt the frustration as well.  Before I knew it, the team of 15 had dwindled down to 7.  I tried to understand why God would have led me to a team that caused me to question my purpose and potential success of our trip.  I prayed.  A lot.  I sought out others who had traveled, who had led, who understood the process.  At the end of the day, I found myself in a situation that made me uncomfortable and I wanted to withdraw from the team.   I knew that I had supporters who had already given to me financially and a plane ticket already booked.  I knew that the team leaders would be burdened by the last-minute change.  Ultimately, I had to be true to myself and “pay attention to the tension”.  I drafted up a few emails, and this past Thursday, I withdrew from my Brazil mission trip.

When those emails went out, I had no backup plan.  I had spoken to a few leaders from other teams and learned very quickly that all of the mission trips scheduled to leave this summer were full and teams had already been formed.  The best I could hope for was trying to get into a trip for later this Fall.  I was especially disappointed to hear that a team traveling to Haiti was already full.  One of my frustrations with Brazil stemmed around the idea that I wasn’t convinced we would have the potential to make a difference.  Haiti, on the other hand is in desperate need.  There are countless ways to bring God’s love to that devastated country.  As much as I loved the idea of traveling to Haiti, I was willing and open to go wherever God wanted me.  If I was going to travel this summer, I had to have faith that God would work it out.

Boy, did He ever!

Less than 24 hours after withdrawing myself from the Brazil trip, I get this text message:

“Guess what?!  We have a spot on the Haiti trip for a female.  One of our team members is no longer able to go.  Are you still looking for a trip?”

I literally jumped up from my desk and screamed out loud!  If that was not a huge sign from God, I don’t know what is!  I, of course, immediately said yes.  Within a matter of minutes, I had become a member of a team that will be traveling to Haiti from July 31st-August 6th.  Although, the details of shifting my financial support and canceling a very expensive Brazilian plane ticket are still up in the air, I am confident that God will continue to make this happen.

This Haiti trip is proof, yet again that God is in control.  I will now be serving alongside a team made up of amazing friends and to make it that much more special, I will be celebrating my birthday while there.  The change in vacation time at work was unusually easy.  I have no explanation as to why my company was easily able to give me the time off when there is an extreme shortage in coverage.  That spot on the Haiti team would have been filled within minutes.  If I hadn’t sent out my email the day before, I may not have not been able to give the instant answer that they needed.  I can’t help but believe that I had to show God that I was willing to take a leap of faith in order to show Him my commitment to this trip.  So far, the details of this new trip are coming together seamlessly.  Please pray that God continues to work this out.

I know as a supporter, you may be uneasy with the unexpected change.  I have to assure you that God is in control!  I am working with GlobalX to transfer every penny of support that has already been pledged.  I assure you that you are still contributing to someone who knows and trusts that God has big plans for this mission trip.  I am more confident than ever that this is exactly where I am supposed to be going this summer.  Thank you for your continued prayers as I work out the details of such a huge change.

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Donna and I met in college.  We actually met on a high school football field the summer before our Junior year.  We were volunteering our time to gain credit for our declared major and were the only two girls in a sea of sweaty high school boys.  If only we had known what we were getting ourselves into!

The next two years found Donna and I logging countless hours in the classroom, the library and the various sport venues on campus. We were stressed to the max, cramming for tests and somehow became best friends in the process.  We went on to stand beside each other in our weddings and have remained in contact ever since.  It’s hard to believe its been six years since we were at North Georgia College.  As we embraced Saturday morning, it was like I was time-warped right back to college.  Our friendship is timeless and genuine.  I am so in awe of her as a mother and wife.  She makes it look so seamless and easy.

Thank you Donna for sharing your day with me.  Your family with me.  And, most importantly, your friendship!

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I have so many doors opening and closing around me that my head is spinning as I try to find my way out of this crazy room.  These doors in my little story are not literal of course.  Instead of coming with clowns and cotton candy, these doors come with opportunity and raw emotion.  I have had a door or two slammed in my face.  Something that I never saw coming.  Another door has been on the horizon for awhile, and I can’t even explain the excitement it brings now that it may be within reach.  Then there is this revolving door.  It is spinning so fast that I can’t get in, can’t get out or think about changing course.

Opportunities and changes are at ever turn.

What I know for certain is, I’m in this crazy room for a reason.  I feel like this is both a reward and a challenge.  I feel like I am being handed opportunities that require a large amount of trust and discretion.  I am in awe and humbled by what has been put in front of me.  I would really like to have a say in the way some of this big, giant doors are opening and closing.  But I don’t.

That is basically what it comes down to.  Control.  I have to constantly remind myself that I have to relinquish the desire to manipulate the circumstances in my life.  I have to turn over the keys and allow God’s will to direct me.  I have to not rush ahead of His timing.  I have to trust that doors are opening, closing and revolving for a reason.

I just hope to get out of this crazy room at this crazy fair in one piece.

“The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort – the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing – the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.”

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I heard Josh Wilson’s “Before the Morning” the other day and I immediately pulled out my phone and Shazamed it.  (You non-iPhoners are now lost…. sorry.)  Anyway, I found myself looking for the video on YouTube and I stumbled upon the video about the background of the song.  Needless to say, I was blown away.

There is a line in the song that says, Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?  If there’s a God who loves you where is He now? I can’t tell you how many times I have had that question roll around in my head.  I have realized that all the pain does in fact have a purpose.  Enjoy this reminder of His amazing power and grace.

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