Frustrated and hurt and more frustrated and real.
Do you have those days that you wake up, and before your feet even touch the ground, you are already frustrated? Days that make you question yourself. Make you doubt everything.
Today, I am not confident, not perfect, not all put together. I woke up still angry, still on the verge of tears. I am resentful and bitter…. all before I can even open a box of cereal. And even more insulting is the fact that I don’t want to be any of these things. I don’t want someone to have this much control over me. Unlike every other relationship that has turned sour, I physically can’t run away from this one. Instead, in less than six hours, I have to share a room with him and put on a happy face for the crowd. Something I am sadly really, really good at. I will then leave the party and continue on. Nothing will be said. He will never know how much he hurt my feelings this weekend. Life will carry on.
If you were to strip away every layer of my personality, you would find, at the center of it all, the ultimate need to please people… to fix the hurt, to make everything right in the world. As much as everything in my being is telling me to fix this, I just can’t. I don’t know how. My heart breaks in knowing the most important man in my life is also the most painful relationship that I have.
I want to have faith, I really want to have faith. But today, right now, in this moment, I don’t know how to do that either.
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